How to Fight Fair About Money

All couples have disagreements — financial and otherwise. In fact, one of today’s foremost marriage researchers, John Gottman, says a healthy marriage is not one marked by a lack of disagreements, but rather how a couple works through their disagreements.

In his more than 30 years of studying what makes for a successful, satisfying marriage, Gottman has come up with a number of very practical suggestions for working through conflicts constructively.

Complaining is okay, criticizing is not

A complaint focuses on the other person’s behavior; criticism focuses on the person. An example of a complaint is “We seem to be spending a lot on groceries these days.” It becomes criticism when you make it more personal by adding a comment such as, “Why can’t you manage our grocery budget better?”

That comment implies that the issue is with the person doing most of the grocery shopping—that they aren’t trying hard enough or possibly even that they aren’t smart enough to do the grocery shopping in a more cost-effective manner. Keep your comment focused on the issue and skip the insinuation.

Avoid contempt

Even worse than criticism, contempt insults or psychologically harms your partner. An example: “Are you even thinking about our budget before you go to the store?” Be especially vigilant about not letting these types of comments creep into your relationship.

A better way to approach this particular conversation might be to say something like this: “I know food inflation is real. Do you think there’s anything we can do about it or should we look for other areas of our budget where we can cut back in order to budget more for groceries?”

Listen well

When you’re on the receiving end of a complaint, your instinct may be to respond quickly. In fact, you may be planning your response while your spouse is still speaking. Instead, decide ahead of time that when your spouse raises an issue you’ll pause and listen actively to what they’re saying. Before responding, make sure you understand the issue by asking clarifying questions and mirroring back what you hear.

Here’s a more challenging and potentially even more helpful way to listen. Try to discern whether there’s another issue behind the issue you’re discussing. That’ll probably require some additional questions: “Why is this issue so important to you?” “What are you concerned will happen if we do this or don’t do that?”

Sheila grew up in a household where money was always tight. Even when she graduated from college and landed a well-paying job, her old fears of not having enough followed her. She always bought the least expensive version of whatever she was buying. Early in their marriage, she insisted that Mike do the same.

However, after getting acclimated to using the simple spreadsheet budget system Mike brought into their marriage, Sheila began to see more objectively what they actually could afford. It was more than she had assumed.

Are you having arguments about money because of a false assumption?

Speak non-defensively

Defensiveness, which includes avoiding responsibility and offering excuses, only turns up the heat on arguments. When she says, “I think you’re spending too much on golf,” it won’t help to respond with, “I hardly play as it is, and now you want me to play cheaper courses that aren’t as nice?”

Try this instead: “Well, let’s take a look at our budget and see how much I’ve spent this month compared to the golf budget we both agreed on. If I spent too much this month, I’ll make up for it next month by finding some less expensive places to play or playing less often.”

Stay with it

Marriage researcher John Gottman says men especially are likely to bail out of an argument. Some will walk out of the room. Others might remain, but check out by responding with silence. Guys: stay focused.

Marriage math

Gottman has drawn a couple of simple, helpful conclusions from his years of studying what makes for a healthy marriage. They boil down to the numbers five and two.

The first one is a straightforward formula: “You must have five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable.” Next, “Most couples I’ve worked with over the years,” Gottman said, “really wanted just two things from their marriage — love and respect.”

Does that last one sound familiar? It comes straight from Ephesians 5:33: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

While men and women both need love and respect, women especially need to feel loved by their husband and men especially need to feel respected by their wife. That could make for a great topic of conversation.

Men, ask your wife, “Financially speaking, what do I do that makes you feel loved?” Women, ask your husband, “Financially speaking, what do I do that makes you feel respected?”

Answers to those questions could help you manage money in your marriage more effectively and joyfully. Image used with permission